You made me cry and you don't even care
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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