this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
