Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
