It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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