Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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