He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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