Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
