He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
