Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
