you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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