he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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