he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
