you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
