I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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