Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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