Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Your penis caused this!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
