Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
