I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
