So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
