Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
