Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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