Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
