i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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