I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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