he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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