i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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