Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
