my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
