I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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