i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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