I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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