If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So vagazzling was a success
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize