He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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