So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I had to cum in my sink.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
