I think my fart just growled at me.
i just had sex bonerless
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
