chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
