Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
