I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
pray to the hookup gods
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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