There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
