i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
