Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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