I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
zippers are such a cool invention
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
