I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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