If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
