Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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