A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
