that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
