the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
3 2 1 whiskey
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
