If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Actions speak louder than pants.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
