if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
