I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
