Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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