youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
