i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize