Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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