i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
